I have too much on my mind tonight... All baby related. I feel like I am sinking further and further into a dark hole that I wont be able to get back out of... Alex has noticed that I'm not "me." So I have started putting on a show and trying to be the happy-go-lucky person that everyone knows me as. I can't shake the feeling of despair every time I find out someone else I know is pregnant... I would have been 17 weeks tomorrow... It kills me inside, and angers me; every time I think about what I am missing out on. I feel like half a woman. I am supposed to be the wife that is a home-maker; cleans, cooks, takes care of her husband, and bares her husband's children. Its the Southern Belle blood in me. I can't fight my roots of wanting to be a mother; wanting to give my husband beautiful children... I just don't understand how it can come so easy to others, some of which don't even want it; and yet for the couples who would be amazing parents, it is always hard! My OBGYN wants me to wait until December to try Clomid. Its such bull shit! I am sick of waiting! I am going to call tomorrow and see if I can get on it as soon as possible... I can't handle this distress anymore.
AF showed today! I'm kind of sad, but excited to try again!
We are also doing some bathroom remodeling! Alex has torn stuff apart and he is puttying some holes and we are also going to be putting a window in so it gives us some light in there! Otherwise its always so dark and dismal. After the putty dries we are going to sand it down so it looks nice and then once the window is in and everything is puttied on that wall, we are going to paint! Can't wait!!!!
Well, so far so good. No sign of AF yet. But I have a feeling that its only a matter of time!!!!!
Nothing new really going on. Took pictures yesterday of the flooding in town, which you can find a few of them on my 365 photo blog. Its crazy to think that its still supposed to rise even more. I can't wait to get down there and take some more pictures today!!!
I can't believe I am 21 today!!! Its so crazy! When Alex and I got married, I always thought I would have a baby by now, or at least be pregnant. I took a test this morning (just to see, even though AF isn't due until Saturday) and not to my surprise it was negative. Bummer! I was hoping for the best birthday present ever! Hahaha!! Oh well, I will just have to wait and see!
Alex has his ASVAB test for the Navy scheduled for October 4th! I am excited, but super worried about it at the same time! We went to visit one of his old school teachers and he helped with math, and after the quick lesson, I remember enough to be able to help him study at home too. But because of Alex's learning disability, it will be harder for him to do the test in the allotted amount of time. But I know he can do it!!!!
As for another kind of test; lovely Aunt Flow is due for her visit on Saturday. I am not getting my hopes up; I know I can't be pregnant this round. But I am thinking about testing next week or just waiting until October 1st to test. I have this cold thing now (tired, stuffy/runny nose, headache) so I have a feeling that it is going to make AF late.
We will soon be starting a new adventure in our lives that will change it forever! Alex has decided to enlist in the Navy. He wanted to join ever since high school, but didn't want to leave me behind. So when it came up again this weekend, I told him that I didn't want to be the person to hold him back. I want him to do what he wants to do in life to make him happy! As long as he is happy, I am happy :) I know its going to be hard at first, but life will get better once he gets through boot camp and actually gets stationed at a base so i can move with him. I am nervous and scared, but I am excited too!
I am officially on the two week wait.. If I had a normal 28 day cycle, then I would have ovulated Friday, which I am 70% sure that I did because I had pain on my right side. But I'm not going to get too excited this month. I am making myself a promise now to NOT test until at least October 1st if aunt flow doesn't show by then. I hate the waiting game!!! Haha!
Had a lot of fun on Friday night! Saturday evening we drove up to Ashland and stayed the night up there with Luke and Elaina. We ended up going to the Walmart and bought a Nerf ball to toss back and forth. That was fun, until it hit my car! Hahaha! Then on Sunday morning we headed up to Bayfield and met up with Alex's parents since they were up there camping. We all went on a four mile hike to see the "sea" caves on Superior. That was pretty neat! After that we went back to Bayfield adn Luke and Elaina headed home and we grabbed lunch at a very nice local resturant. Alex's parents decided that they wanted to see the caves from the water. So we put the boat in and drove the shoreline to find where we hiked to. It was so amazing!!! Then we also drove the boat over to one of the Apostle Islands (Sand Island) and visited the lighthouse there. It was so beautiful!! After we got back to shore we went back to Bayfield and walked around and went in a few shops. We got home at about 11pm last night. I can't wait to head back up there in October.
Today was another great day! We slept in really late and have just been hanging out around the house basically all day and being lazy. I love our life!
P.S. I should be ovulating this weekend! I am crossing my fingers!!! :D
We are going out tonight to one of my favorite places to go and just hang out or spend time with people! And I am going to have my last "hoorah" drunken party before I give up drinking for a very long time (not that I drink hardly anyways. Hahaha! I think the last time I drank was three months ago in Canada, and that was one wine cooler)!!! After tonight I made a resolution to not drink anything, not even one sip of wine, until after I get the go ahead from the doctors after I have a baby! That could be a year; could be ten years! Who knows!!! But I am getting healthier and doing the right things so I can make sure my baby has the best start possible!!! I have only been drunk once before, and I ended up puking everywhere (but then again I did drink a half of a bottle of SoCo [Southern Comfort] in fifteen minutes. I could have died that night!). Anyways, I can't wait to give up this vice! I have changed so many habits in my life preparing for a baby, and I will be one step closer to a greater being in life and a healthier mommy-to-be-eventually! :D
I can't believe it! This year is flying by so fast. I am excited for fall; the colors, the food, the cool and crisp air. I love everything about fall! Not to mention I have a job interview tomorrow. Life is so good right now!
I am currently on CD5. I am not bleeding any more! So now starts the new cycle of TTC! Wish me luck and showers of baby dust!