Friday Alex and I headed to Milwaukee to meet my fantastic friend Jen Bear! :-) We had a fun night talking until 2am. Then we went to the Milwaukee County Zoo on Saturday morning. Then after the zoo, Alex and I stopped at my grandparent's house on the way back home. We visited Grandpa for a long time and even brought him a piece of German Chocolate cake. Sadly, he has no appetite.. All he has been surviving on for two weeks is the ensure drink. :-( We ended up staying the night at their house and went back this morning to visit him again. We stayed for a little while before we had to head home. When we were leaving, he gave us the most forlorn, sad look, and it literally broke my heart :'-( I cried for a good half hour after we left. This is so hard... He is being transferred from the hospital to an assisted living home tomorrow where they are just going to keep him comfortable. He has an aggressive form of cancer that is not only on his liver, but also his pancreas, kidney and it is also in his lymph nodes. Even if they removed the large mass on his liver (which I think they should do anyway because it will release pressure on his guts and he will want to eat again), there is nothing they can do. The doctors say optimistically, he has a year, but I think that is pretty farfetched. I think more realistically, he has maybe three months.... It is very hard because Grandma is giving a ton of stuff away at the house. She keeps telling us if there is something we want, just ask, and we can most likely have it. I just feel so bad. This is going to be a long couple of weeks.....
I am thinking of testing tomorrow. I just want to see. Hahaha!!! I have been having lots of CM lately (white, creamy) and it is KILLING me! If I am not pregnant, I am going to cry! Not to mention what the heck is going on with my body?!! LOL!
I would love to blame hormones from the Clomid, but I highly doubt that is actually the case. I am so sick of BFNs and stupid people. Especially stupid pregnant people. Uhg.... I don't even want to get started but I think if I don't write it out and let it go, I may explode... So, I'm sorry for my rants, previous and some to come.
I took a test last night, and it was still positive as well, so I figured I didn't need to post it. I'm not sure what to think of these tests. I think they are definitely loosing the line a little bit, so going back to negative..... What do you guys think?
I honestly think the only think keeping me sane right now is my blogging! LOL! So I am very sorry for all the CD's and test strips, but it keeps me "calm" so to say, and not worrying about it all the time. I can just let all my worries go into my posts and I feel better :-) So thank you to everyone who is sticking it out with me through this process!!!
I figured because I have some First Response tests, that I would use one tonight to see if the little strips were working right or if they were messed up. But it seems that they are spot on with the First Response. I think these are the darkest they have been so far.
Everywhere I look I see babies or pregnant women (some you can't even consider women, they are just girls...). I really feel like if this round of Clomid doesn't work, I am going to spin into a downward spiral of depression... I absolutely HATE that almost everyone I know can get pregnant whenever the fuck they want. They have no idea what it is like to have to wait and wait and wait, only to be disappointed month after month of not getting the BFP that you are looking for. I told myself not to get too physicked up about being on Clomid, but I can't help it! I am just really hoping that we will get our BFP and the pregnancy will stick and we will have a beautiful little miracle in April...
I have always heard that when on Clomid, you become a royal bitch. I haven't had that at all. Actually, I feel like I have been more lovable. Let me explain...
I feel like I am deeper in love than normal, I want to cuddle more, and just be closer to Alex more. I have been very happy, and only been a royal pain in the rear when someone pisses me off. Then, and only then, I am VERY mad. So I guess as long as no one ticks me off, I am a happy go lucky person while on Clomid. :)
I was thinking a lot today about baby names. We have had our boy's name picked out for a LONG time (a couple years. haha!), but I thought of a different way to spell it, and I LOVE how it looks/sounds!
Jaxyn Robert-Lee Anderson
We have also had a girl's name picked out for a long time. I don't think I want to change this one :)
Carolina Ray (or Marie) Anderson
Both names have meanings behind them. Robert and Lee are middle names that have been passed down in Alex's family. I know they are common, but it is something we would like to keep going :) Alex's middle name is Lee, and his brother's and dad's middle name is Robert. Also, my dad's and brother's middle name is Lee. So that is kind of cool :)
With the girl's name, Carolina is where I am from and Ray is my dad's name. Marie is my mom's middle name, but I don't know if I want it in there or not. I might just do it Ray-Marie. I know the names are really long, but they mean the world to us.
Heard any good baby names lately? Please leave me a comment and share them! :-) Thank you for reading!
So this morning we were planning on being at my parent's house by 9am to help take siding off the house. Well we set the alarm, and when it went off, it was storming out, so we just shut the alarm off and went back to sleep. My parents call at 9, and I look outside and the weather is beautiful! I was completely surprised by how the weather changed so fast! Anyways, we went and helped with that, and then afterwards we went tubing down the river with them! It was so much fun just spending he time together. And after we got done tubing, we went to dinner at Great Wall (which is Alex and my favorite restaurant of all time. Haha!). So it was a gorgeous day full of family fun with my parents :)
I guess I thought I would feel different somehow when taking the Clomid. I really haven't felt different at all yet. I take my second pill in about an hour. So we will see if I have any side effects today. I hope not! :)
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they sometimes are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be much better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
I think the 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays! It has such an amazing history behind it and plus, what other day do you get to play with fire and blow stuff up?! Well, that is the way Alex sees it anyway. Hahaha! I love watching fireworks and thinking about how our country has grown and developed over the centuries. I sometimes wonder what they would think if they saw us now. Cars, planes, electricity, phones, TV; you name it, they would probably be shocked! Not to mention the clothes we dress in now. Phahahaha!!!
Anyways! I hope everyone has a great family celebration and be safe tonight!
One year ago today I got my BFP! I can't believe it has already been that long.
With everything going on, I decided to test this morning using a digital test kit thing. I can't get the reader to work right, so all I have is the test strip.
I HATE blue dye tests with a passion, and it is because you can get an evaporation line that makes it look positive. Here is my test:
I don't know if you can see it that well in the picture, but I can see it when I look at the test. This showed up within the 10 minute time frame. But I am thinking that it is just an evaporation line.. I will be testing again in two days just to be sure.
Edit- Here is the test now (4pm- six hours after originally taken)
Like I said before, it is much easier to see in person than the camera is showing. Still not sure if it is just an evaporation line or a very faint positive.
Alex and I went to see the new Transformers tonight. It was freaking AWESOME! I can't wait until it comes out on DVD so we can buy it. Phahaha!!
I talked to my OB today and he told me that he really feels that I should get AF this weekend. He said that if I don't have it by Wednesday, that I need to take a blood pregnancy test. I bought some HPT's and I am going to take one in the morning... I also asked him about if I were pregnant, what the Provera would do to the baby (I read some articles stating that it caused birth defects). He said that all Provera is, is a synthetic progesterone and it would actually help if I was pregnant because you need high levels of it in early pregnancy. I had to take some last summer when I was pregnant, so that made me feel a little better. I don't know how I feel about everything right now. I am confused and frustrated.... I guess we will see what the test looks like in the morning. Or I may wait until Sunday to test... Not sure yet.
I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July!!! :)