Why...

I HATE this.... I get these feelings that come every now and then... The feeling that things are never going to be the way I want them to be. The desperate feeling that I'll never get to have a baby of my own when I hear yet again someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. I feel like I am being left behind! I have done everything right! Marriage first, then a house, and now a baby... Or not... Right now I feel like life isn't worth living if I can't be a mom. I want to experience everything!!! Let me be sick every day of my pregnancy! I wouldn't care because I know a beautiful little baby would be the end result of all the pain and sickness that I would endure. And it would all be worth it for that precious little being. I wish we could go through the infertility program, but that is out of the question right now. Everyone keeps telling me, "You and Alex will make great parents!" Well when the FUCK will that be?! I am so ANGRY at life and UPSET that I have had to go through everything that I have! I am so close to falling off the edge! Right now any little thing would push me over. I have been cheated out of two little ones, and I will be DAMNED if I am cheated out of another. I just want to scream out "Why me, why us?!" and demand an answer from someone! I am at a very low point and I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel... Two and a half years is way too long to have to wait; for me or for anyone... If I am not pregnant within the next two or three months, I don't know what I am going to do... All it would take is a $50 prescription for Clomid, but no. My fucking gay ass OB can't even do that for me. I HAVE to go through the infertility clinic, I HAVE to do all the stupid ultrasounds. I am SICK of being told I have to spend thousands of dollars for a prescription that is $50! Especially when I know damn well that if I were able to get it, I would get pregnant with no problem! And I am SICK of people telling me that it will happen when it is supposed to or when it is gods plan. Well guess what, I don't believe in god and if I leave it up to him, it will NEVER happen!!! I have been trying to tell myself that when the time is right, it will all fall into place, but I can't lie to myself anymore! I want a baby and I am not willing to wait anymore!!!!!


*ETA- Sorry for the rant :-/ I am just really upset at everything...

Finally!

After a week of loveliness, I don't have AF anymore! I am still debating on what my next move is going to be...  Whether I should wait a month and then go back on birth control or if I should go on it for another month and then skip a month. Just trying to figure out new ways of doing things.

In other news, life is going great! I actually tried "mama cloth" (cloth menstrual pads) and I LOVE them! As soon as I save up, I am going to buy some more and once I have a nice stash of them, I am NEVER going back to disposables! I am also starting a cloth diaper stash :) I have contemplated it for a LONG time and decided a couple months ago that I am going to do cloth diapering. After I did a little research, I bought a few from different companies because some women have said one company works best for their child, while another didn't. It is all depending on your child. So I figured instead of investing all in one company, I would buy ones from all different companies and whichever one works the best, I will buy more from that company :)

Dang... LOL

So skipping pills is definitely a no-no. It backfired on me :( Haha!

I skipped Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I took my pill again Thursday and yesterday morning. Well, yesterday afternoon I got my period... Oops!

So I am hoping it goes away tonight, otherwise I am going to have a LONG period once I start the sugar pills.

Thunderstorms!

I love thunder and lightning!! It's an amazing, almost mystifying part of mother nature. Most people take it for granted or complain about the rain, but I love to watch the lightning streak out across the sky and I love hearing the rumble of the thunder; sometimes so low that it gives me the shivers!

Anywho... I have decided I am going to skip the pill today, tomorrow and maybe Wednesday in hopes of purposely "accidentally" getting pregnant! I know lots of people who say they missed a pill or two and got knocked up. Well I want to test that! Hahaha!! :)

Bitter Sweet

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers. This includes women who have given up their baby for adoption and also women who have carried a child, but lost them due to miscarriage, preterm labor, or still born.

For me, Mother's Day is really hard... I should have celebrated two Mother's Days now... A lot of people don't want to consider those of us who have carried babies, but do not have them with us now, mothers. A friend told me last year that she still considered me a mother, and she was the only person to tell me Happy Mother's Day. I thank her SOO much for that!! It gave me hope, and made me feel a lot better. Alex told me that he still considers me a mother and wants to get me a present and take me to dinner. I told him to wait until I get to celebrate happily, and not have to morn my two little angel babies ♥


I hope that next year I will actually be a mother who carries her child in her arms for Mother's Day.

Forgot How This Works..

I haven't been on birth control for such a long time that I forgot about the loss of sex drive. Kind of sad really... Plus I am more moody/emotional than normal. And my nipples hurt! What the heck!! Good thing this is only temporary, otherwise I think I may loose my mind.

Our good friend Kyle is staying with us for a few weeks. His girlfriend's dad is in from out of town and they didn't want it to be awkward with him staying with her and her dad knowing about it. So he is here with two of his dogs, Jasmine and Iorek (pronounced yer-ick). They have had fun playing with our doggies today.

But that is all for now. Thank you for reading! :-)

I Love My Country!

Osama Bin Laden is finally dead!

I love President Obama!! He has been able to do things that Bush never could! In two years Obama has been able to accomplish things that Bush couldn't do in eight years!!!

Keep on leading our country strong Mr. President!!