Why...

I HATE this.... I get these feelings that come every now and then... The feeling that things are never going to be the way I want them to be. The desperate feeling that I'll never get to have a baby of my own when I hear yet again someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. I feel like I am being left behind! I have done everything right! Marriage first, then a house, and now a baby... Or not... Right now I feel like life isn't worth living if I can't be a mom. I want to experience everything!!! Let me be sick every day of my pregnancy! I wouldn't care because I know a beautiful little baby would be the end result of all the pain and sickness that I would endure. And it would all be worth it for that precious little being. I wish we could go through the infertility program, but that is out of the question right now. Everyone keeps telling me, "You and Alex will make great parents!" Well when the FUCK will that be?! I am so ANGRY at life and UPSET that I have had to go through everything that I have! I am so close to falling off the edge! Right now any little thing would push me over. I have been cheated out of two little ones, and I will be DAMNED if I am cheated out of another. I just want to scream out "Why me, why us?!" and demand an answer from someone! I am at a very low point and I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel... Two and a half years is way too long to have to wait; for me or for anyone... If I am not pregnant within the next two or three months, I don't know what I am going to do... All it would take is a $50 prescription for Clomid, but no. My fucking gay ass OB can't even do that for me. I HAVE to go through the infertility clinic, I HAVE to do all the stupid ultrasounds. I am SICK of being told I have to spend thousands of dollars for a prescription that is $50! Especially when I know damn well that if I were able to get it, I would get pregnant with no problem! And I am SICK of people telling me that it will happen when it is supposed to or when it is gods plan. Well guess what, I don't believe in god and if I leave it up to him, it will NEVER happen!!! I have been trying to tell myself that when the time is right, it will all fall into place, but I can't lie to myself anymore! I want a baby and I am not willing to wait anymore!!!!!


*ETA- Sorry for the rant :-/ I am just really upset at everything...