Can't Sleep...

I have too much on my mind tonight... All baby related. I feel like I am sinking further and further into a dark hole that I wont be able to get back out of... Alex has noticed that I'm not "me." So I have started putting on a show and trying to be the happy-go-lucky person that everyone knows me as. I can't shake the feeling of despair every time I find out someone else I know is pregnant... I would have been 17 weeks tomorrow... It kills me inside, and angers me; every time I think about what I am missing out on. I feel like half a woman. I am supposed to be the wife that is a home-maker; cleans, cooks, takes care of her husband, and bares her husband's children. Its the Southern Belle blood in me. I can't fight my roots of wanting to be a mother; wanting to give my husband beautiful children... I just don't understand how it can come so easy to others, some of which don't even want it; and yet for the couples who would be amazing parents, it is always hard! My OBGYN wants me to wait until December to try Clomid. Its such bull shit! I am sick of waiting! I am going to call tomorrow and see if I can get on it as soon as possible... I can't handle this distress anymore.