Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Part of the Job

When Brad and Tricia got picked for adoption, I was SOOO excited for them! Now that he is here and that everything is finalized, they are having showers and parties and all of that. Well, being a photographer, Tricia asks me to take pictures for her. And I do willingly because I know that it means the world to her. But she also knows that Alex and I have been struggling to conceive for a long time. It hasn't been hard until tonight. There were other people around with young babies and lots of pregnant women.

I can't help but feel like those happy women/couples are never going to be us...  At this point, I don't even feel like trying anymore because I know that it will fail time and time again. Why even bother, right..? I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean, with a storm going through and everything is rocky, and the only thing I have to hang on to is Alex. Lately I have been feeling like I am slipping off an edge, one that I don't know if I can recover from. As we lay in bed at night, I feel like I can't get close enough to him... I just want to melt into his arms and stay there indefinitely. Whenever I leave the house, I put on my fake smile and happy-go-lucky facade and face the world. No one ever thinks any different. No one knows how deep this cut is. No one understands except the people who have gone through this. It is a hell that I would never wish on anyone...

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