Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Hardest Night of My Life

Here is everything that happened, in detail. If you are faint of heart, I wouldn't suggest reading it...

So I left for work yesterday feeling great. I was super excited for dinner! Got to work and I started feeling some cramping, nothing too bad. As work went on the cramping got worse and I became more worried. I left work at 5:15pm and went to the bank to cash my check. I felt funny so I went to the bathroom (approximately 5:35pm) when I wiped I noticed some blood so I decided to go straight to the hospital because I knew I had low progesterone levels and I would rather be safe than sorry. Well the hospital ER was busy and I had to wait an hour to get a room. That was the longest hour that I have ever experienced! Once I finally got a room, I waited for another 15 minutes until I finally talked with a doctor. He came in and informed me what they would be doing (testing, etc.). I had five viles of blood drawn and then a nurse came in to put an IV in. She tried putting it in and it hurt so bad I ended up in tears and she had to take it out and was going to try again but I had a panic attack and told her I didn't want it. She said ok and that I had the right to refuse it. Well it hurt for a hour after that :( But about a half hour after the nurse left with the IV, I got wheeled to the ultrasound room and had a regular ultrasound where I was able to see the screen. I knew I saw the baby on the screen, but I was still worried. She said she was going to do a vaginal ultrasound as well, and I told her that I needed to use the restroom first. So I went into the bathroom and sat down and as soon as I sat, about a fifty-cent piece sized clot came out. I knew right then that everything was not ok and I just burst into tears. I came out and she did the vaginal ultrasound, but because of the angle she had to have the machine because of the short cord, I couldn't see the screen but Alex could. He saw the baby and had a big smile on his face, but for me it wasn't reassuring, I knew better... I was wheeled back to my ER room and waited for another 30 minutes until a doctor finally came in with the results from  my blood work and ultrasound. He said that my HCG level was 2100, which at my stage in pregnancy, they were looking for about 35000, so it was very low. He also said that the specialist looking at the ultrasound said that there was fetal growth, but it just stopped at 5 weeks. He kept talking, but I zoned it out. I started crying and just went into my own little numb world. We finally got home from the hospital at around 9:30pm. At around 10:30pm, the baby passed. I had gone into the bathroom and as I sat down, I felt a gush and it happened to land in my pants. I looked and there was a perfectly round ball amniotic sac the size of a marble. I saw the little baby in there. That was the worst. I cried and cried and had to have Alex come into the bathroom to help clean up. After that I just went numb again. We didn't go to bed until midnight and I was up off and on all night. At 4:30am Alex called his boss and told him he wasn't coming in. We stayed in bed until 10:30am. I have had a lot of really bad cramps today and just plain feeling like poop.

I think loosing a baby last June has helped me some emotionally. Also, since I know that I didn't do anything wrong this time around (I feel that the tubal was my fault because there was something wrong with ME that caused the baby to get stuck), and knowing there wasn't anything I could do, has kind of helped me feel a little better and look forward, instead of get depressed and wishing for the yesterdays.

Thank you for all the support that you all have given me.


  1. Awww. Hannah this makes me wanna cry. I feel so bad.. But I'm happy you are looking forward at what's to come.. I know this wasn't easy but just keep your chin up and hopefully next time!!

  2. I just want to say i think you are both sio brave coping the way that you are and i am so sorry for your loss.

  3. Oh Hannah, I've had nightmares about this, and I think I would just completely fall apart. Your strength is amazing.

    You really did do everything you could. When your time comes, that baby is going to be so friggin lucky to have both you and Alex. I wish you guys the best!

  4. I am so glad that you were stong enough to share this with us, but I am equally sorry that you lost your baby. I will keep you and hubby in my prayers! I wish you all the best from here on out and trust that you will bring forth a wonderful baby in the very near future!!!

    Here's hoping that you guys stay strong!

  5. Thank you guys very much. I apprieciate all the very kind words of ecouragment!

  6. Oh Honey, Im just now reading this. I am so sorry, I know it will work out for you all in the right time. My MIL had 7 miscarriages after my husband was born and she still had a beautiful baby girl 4 years later. Dont give up!