Cloth Diapering

So I have been collecting cloth diapers for almost a year now for when Alex and I have children. One of my favorite diapers came from a company called Modified Momma Creations. Posted below is a picture of the diaper that I bought from them :-) It is the softest, most adorable diaper!

Modified Momma Creations has way more than just cloth diapers. And now I have the pleasure of having her advertise on my page for a while, and that's not even the best part! She is offering all of my readers 15% off of your order! The order code is MIRACLE.

modifiedmomma.com

Go check them out and enjoy! :-)

Time

I can't believe that it's almost Thanksgiving and December already! Where has this year gone? Soon it will be 2012. There is a country song that talks about how the days go by slow but the years fly by, and it is so true.... There are some times that I wish I could hold onto a lot longer, yet there are days that I feel like don't go by fast enought.

Almost Two Weeks

I am so proud of myself. I have been doing my diet for a week and a half and it's going great so far! I think wht helps is not lying to myself. I know that I will cheat every now and then, so what I have been doing is every day or every other day I have one small junky food just to satisfy my craving :-) I am slowly weaning myself off of it so I don't give my system a shock all at once. This is going to be a lifestyle change. Once I hit my goal for the weight loss, I'm not going to just dump the diet. I will maintain the loss :-) I am super exited about my goal of being in my skinny jeans by next summer!!!

I am still battling myself over the fact that I'm not pregnant this cycle. A part of me wants to run straight into the doctors office and start the steps for the IUI. But the other part of me knows that it is best to loose some weight and wait to do the IUI until February. I may wait until March. It really all depends in my cycles. it's an internal struggle I have been dealing with since we decided we are going to do the IUI. I have Alex's support either way, and I want to wait because I know it will be best, but it is definitely hard...

Finally!

AF has arrived after a 63 day cycle.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was in the hospital giving birth. And it was so real... They handed me a beautiful baby boy and I just cried as I held him to me. He was the most handsome little guy I had ever seen. I wish I could draw because I would love to be able to show everyone what he looked like. When I woke up, my heart ached more than it has in a long time. I can't wait to be a mom...

My Luck Sucks

I haven't posted anything here yet, but I dislocated my knee on October 23rd. Doctors say I get to just deal with it for 6 weeks and that it will probably happen again at some point in my life and I will have to have surgery, but yet they won't just do the surgery now to correct it! Wtf?!! >-( Then my laptop crashed yesterday (but luckily my friend was able to fix it today) and then our Netflix stops working today... Oh, and I went to TJMaxx to buy a car charger for the iPod I gave Alex and I stuck it into my iPhone to make sure it worked, and it got stuck and wouldn't come out!! So I had to run to Best Buy with this charger stuck in my phone. Thank GOD the Geek Squad guy was able to get it out! Out of all the ones on the shelf, I had to pick the defective one... Uhg...

In other news, I started Provera today to jump start my cycle. Hoping it won't give me too much hell...

Blood Test

Had bloodwork done today per the request of my doctor. Negative.
Sooo.... Next step is diet, and then in January or February, we will be doing the IUI.

....

Negative. What the hell...

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

No period. And I am testing in the morning. Not sure what I think of all of this right now. I want to be pregnant, but then again I want to start my diet and workout plan. Uhg.... Why does all of this have to be so complicated...

In Limbo

AF is still no where to be seen. I spoke with my OB yesterday and he said that if I don't have it by next week, then he is going to order a blood pregnancy test and if that is negative, then put me on Provera to jump start my cycle. I told him that we wanted to do the IUI in December or January (depending on my cycles) and he said he is excited to try that with me. Still not sure how I feel about that, but as long as I am not pregnant and my period comes, I am looking forward to starting my diet and workout routine! :-)

Update

Well, there really is nothing new going on. Still no AF and still no positive on the stick. I am calling my dr today and I am going to see what he thinks...

So True

This is exactly how I feel. And can completely explain what I can't...

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/cgd/2011/10/12/birth-story-told-my-infertile-perspective

Test Time

Took a test this morning and it was negative. Can't something just go right in this area of my life? Either I am pregnant and get positive tests or I'm not pregnant and my fucking period comes on time! I am so aggravated over this whole situation!!! >P

Content Warning

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER THAN THIS LINE IF YOU DO NOT LIKE VULGAR LANGUAGE AND IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ TOO MUCH INFORMATION TYPE THINGS!

You have been warned.

Last night Alex and I had a little bit of an argument. It was really petty, and something that could have been easily avoided if we were "perfect" (because you know, there are perfect couples everywhere who NEVER fight! Psftt!! Get off you fucking high horses.) But the best part of arguments is the make-up sex. Don't get me wrong, Alex and I have an AMAZING sex life (4-7 times a week is usual for us). But this time it was different. It was honestly the best sex we have ever had. We were so in-tune to each other, and it was slow, meaningful, and sensual. I have never felt so close and so deeply in love, and loved by him. It was a good hour of steamy, romantic, intimate love making session... I don't know how else to describe it except mind blowingly amazing! ♥

I'm... Late..?

Well, if I ovulated on CD 19 or 20 when I got the positive OPK, then I should have gotten AF today. I am trying my hardest not to get excited, but I am planning on taking a test in the morning...

Breathe....

Excitement In the Air

I was thinking about testing this morning after I felt nauseous, but decided it would be best to just wait it out until next Wednesday.

Even if I'm not pregnant this cycle, I am very excited for what is to come! If I'm not pregnant, I am starting a gym membership and diet plan to loose some weight. Then we are going to do IUI with oral stimulants or injections in December or January :-)

Also, I am excited for holidays! Halloween is coming up soon, then it's Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years! Hoping this year's holidays wont be as depressing (even though there is some pregnant people in the family and I know it is going to be "all about them.") I am maybe going to avoid those situations so I don't get blue when it is a happy time of year :-)

New Tattoo

I needed a distraction from my cycle, so I started obsessing about tattoos. I got done with work early today and went and had it done. I love it <3

Yes it is a quote from Twilight. No that isn't the reason I got it. lol :)

Friendship

I want to take a moment and say thank you to  someone very important to me.

He is the best friend any girl could ever ask for. He has always put up with my craziness, drama and all my crap. He is caring and understanding, and I am very grateful to be lucky enough to have him in my life.

Thank you for loving me and being my friend <3

Drowning in Disappointment

I spoke with my doctor about doing an IUI, and me being me, I ask a LOT of questions. One of them was the success rate.... He said it is 15%. So would it be worth even trying...? Or would it be worth it to just save the money and put it towards IVF..? I don't know what to do anymore...

Cycle Day 19

Waiting... Waiting... Waiting... That is all I seem to be doing now days. Alex and I have decided that if this cycle doesn't work, we are going to stop trying for a few months and I will be starting a diet plan and hitting the gym to loose some weight. Then late this winter/early spring we are going to do IUI. We both feel this is a necessary step and we are looking forward to it. I just can't grasp that after almost three years we have nothing to show for all the trying... It sucks. Plain and simple. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, there is nothing that anyone can do to make it ok. The only way to hold onto the little sanity I have left is to work or surf the internet. Even then it doesn't always combat the thoughts of babies running through my head. Uhg..

Happy Birthday! (to me. lol)

Its a cold and drizzily day here for my birthday. But that's ok :-) I am officially 22. That is so crazy! Nothing to look forward to now until 25, and then insurance rates drop! Woohoo! ;-) I hope everyone has a fantastic Friday!!

Birthday Parties

I just got home from spending time with my niece and nephews for their combined birthday party. Laylla is 4, Brycen will be 3 in December, and Phelix will be one in March.

I have a lot on my mind right now, so I may or may not be posting as often for a little while. Everything is ok, I am just trying to figure out what will be the best for Alex and I to do next... Thank you for your understanding.

Where Does Time Go..?

I am going to be 22 in a week. I always thought I would have been a mom at 19. Then when I hit 19, I told myself, well I will definitely have one by 21. Well that has come and gone too. I have given up on trying to predict when I will have a baby, because obviously my body hates me. :-P

I have been out of high school 5 years next May.. Alex and I have been together for six years in January, and four years married in April. It all seems so surreal... I feel like life is passing me by...

Alex's Test Results

I got a call this morning and heard the best news I have heard in a while. Alex's semen analysis showed that his levels are good, and some even better than normal! The only thing he said is a little off is that it is a little bit thicker than normal, but he said that you shouldn't even have to worry about that! I am on cloud nine :-) Its good to know that everything with him is ok!!!

My Quote of the Day

"Life is only what you make it to be. Forgive, but never forget; you won't learn from your mistakes otherwise. If you are pissed off, let it go. If you are sad, do something to change it. If you are happy all the time, then you are obviously doing something right." -HLA

 I'm very grateful. I have an amazing husband that would do anything for me (and I would do anything for him) and loves me for ME; I don't have to be someone that I'm not ♥ Plus I have amazing friends and family :) My life is wonderful.

Alex's Test

So we did the semen analysis this morning. We should get the results late this week... I am super nervous.

3rd Round

I spoke with my OB yesterday and we are starting the 3rd round of Clomid. This round is 100mg like the last one and if it doesn't work, then I get testing done...

I decided to finally give in to the OB's request of having Alex do a semen analysis. He wanted it done before I started the first round of Clomid, but I have been putting it off. But seeing that I have been ovulating, and nothing is happening, I think it is time for it to be done. We are doing it on Monday and will have the results late next week. I am super nervous about it... But I guess it is better to know than be stuck in the dark. If it comes back as bad results, then the next step is probably IUI to give a better chance of sperm reaching egg, or IVF. I know I am NOT ready for IVF, and neither is our bank account. This sucks... :-(

Right On Time

Good ol' AF showed this morning, exactly when she was supposed to. I guess that is the plus side of things. At least I don't have to wait around testing and guessing if I am pregnant or not. I will know now (or while on Clomid anyways) that she will be on time or I am pregnant.

On a side note, I REALLY wish she would leave all her baggage and C-Ramps at home when she comes to visit :(

Living THE Life

We bought our house almost two years ago (October 31st, 2009). We have two reliable cars (Alex's 1994 Jeep Wrangler and my 2009 Ford Focus) that we LOVE!! We have the sweetest, most loyal and loving dogs (Shelby, Harvey and Chester). We have amazing friends and family. We may not have much money, but we have LOTS of fun together!

Our love has never been deeper and it grows stronger everyday. What more could we ask for? I am blessed, and I sadly look over what we are lucky to have most days. In an attempt to become a mother, I have forgotten what I already have. I am going to work more on letting go, as I have been lately. I am going to take everything day by day; breathe in the crisp fall air deeply, and sigh happily just to be alive.

Made My Day

I laughed SOOOOO hard when I saw this!!!!!! A friend sent it to me and I just cried from laughing so hard!!! :-D

Enjoy!

http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/09/01/all-the-pregnant-ladies/#more-44132

Going to Be a Lonnnnng Weekend

We have a busy weekend coming up at work. We have a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday wedding! Thankfully I don't have to work the Saturday one. And Alex and I both have off on Monday, so at least I will get to spend SOME time with him... Seriously?! Who would get married on Labor Day weekend? And who the heck would get married on a Sunday?!!! So irritated... I would much rather be able to go camping with my husband than have to deal with stupid bridezilla's who think it is ok to have their weddings on a holiday weekend. Uhg...

Fun Weekend :-)

Friday night Alex and I just hung around the house together and watched movies and snuggled. Yesterday we did a few little things, bought Alex a new lawn mower, and then went over to a friend's house for a little engagement celebration thing :-) We stayed the night over there. Then today we got to visit with my Uncle Ben and Aunt Donna. They drove up from Milwaukee yesterday morning. We walked all over downtown and just talked and had fun! After that Alex and I went to Menards and FINALLY got the vanity that I have been wanting in the bathroom forever! I was super excited!!! We got home, put it together, and found out we are missing some pipes. Phahaha! So it is all set up and looks great, but still not usable yet. Bummer!

I am a little stressed about tomorrow. I have two high maintenance clients coming into the office :-/ Hoping it won't be too bad...

On the TTC side of things, it's...well, whatever I guess. I am still having hot flashes. Yay me! :-P Currently CD 24. Trying not to think about things. Although I am 99% sure that this cycle didn't work. I am just so frustrated, and tired of trying... :-( I wish it was easy for us just like it is for a ton of other people. Why do we have to wait so long and have so much trouble having a baby?

Late Night

What am I doing up this late? Oh you know, just Facebook stalking and reading up on my favorite blogs :-)

But it is about time that I hit the hay. Alex will be up in four hours for work, which means I will be up in four hours. Haha!

Over Stimiulated, Over Irritated, and I Just Don't Give a Damn.

I am having hot flashes, which is weird and freaking me out. I am stressed, and I am irritated with stupid people BEYOND words. I almost got into two accidents today because of idiot drivers. Then I get to work and there was a complaint about a picture that was picked up yesterday (when it was picked up, they told me they loved it!). Freaking bridezilla... Then I work all day on doing mileage logs, which wasn't too bad, just time consuming. And to top it all off, someone I know is going to name her daughter and the initials are KKK. Ummm, yeah, think it over a little more hunny! Your kid is going to be picked on SOOOO bad in school. But, she is a... how do I say this nicely... caucasian motor home type... I am NOT grouping everyone who lives is trailers together, but she is PURE white trash. I am trying to be delicate about it, but there really is nothing else to say but that about her. :-/

Anyways, currently CD21 and the OPKs are getting a hint lighter this evening. We BDed the last three nights and are skipping tonight and resuming tomorrow. Hahaha! Need a little break tonight ;)

Mobile Blogging?

How awesome is that! This is officially a mobile blog post! :-) Now blog updates are only a text away! Thank you Blogger!

Ovulating

I decided to use an OPK last night just to see. I got a positive on it. I know last cycle I got a positive on CD17 and it was still positive on CD18. So does that actually mean I ovulated already, or I will in two days? One of my friends told me she got a positive OPK but ovulated two days later. I guess I am confused again... Haha..

CD What?

I have been so into everything going on around me, I haven't even thought about what cycle day it is since last week! We have just been BDing when we feel like it, and I haven't been using OPKs. So I am hoping our more laid back approach will work for this round!

Oh, I am current;y on CD18. I literally had to look at the calendar and count the days. Hahahaha!!

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http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10150285628684936&id=248012314935&notif_t=like

Part of the Job

When Brad and Tricia got picked for adoption, I was SOOO excited for them! Now that he is here and that everything is finalized, they are having showers and parties and all of that. Well, being a photographer, Tricia asks me to take pictures for her. And I do willingly because I know that it means the world to her. But she also knows that Alex and I have been struggling to conceive for a long time. It hasn't been hard until tonight. There were other people around with young babies and lots of pregnant women.

I can't help but feel like those happy women/couples are never going to be us...  At this point, I don't even feel like trying anymore because I know that it will fail time and time again. Why even bother, right..? I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean, with a storm going through and everything is rocky, and the only thing I have to hang on to is Alex. Lately I have been feeling like I am slipping off an edge, one that I don't know if I can recover from. As we lay in bed at night, I feel like I can't get close enough to him... I just want to melt into his arms and stay there indefinitely. Whenever I leave the house, I put on my fake smile and happy-go-lucky facade and face the world. No one ever thinks any different. No one knows how deep this cut is. No one understands except the people who have gone through this. It is a hell that I would never wish on anyone...

♥ Fall ♥

Fall is my favorite time of year :-) Beautiful leaves, pumpkins, cool weather, holidays, and lots of family time! The only sad part is that this wil be the first year without Grandpa... :-/

I am thinking if we get a free weekend in October that we are going to go up north to Lake Superior and go to an apple orchard and pick apples! Last year we went up there and got professional pictures taken with the beautiful fall leaves.

On the TTC side of things, today is CD11. I'm not sure if I want to do the ovulation tests this round or not. Maybe we might just do the deed every other day and see if that works. I don't know for sure....

Haha! Wow, Some People.

Is it just me, or are people getting more and more stupid. Working in customer service (which was for almost two years), you meet tons of people everyday, and I have come to realize that the general public is well, retarded!! Most people need to learn to keep their mouth shut to avoid the stupidity. And other people should really go back to school.
I also think it is funny how people like to hide behind their computer screen and attack others for their opinions on chat boards. I gave my opinion, and it got under some people's skin; which I knew it would. But I honestly don't give a rat's ass what they think because it is my opinion, and if they don't like it, to bad!!!
Oh! And not to mention how horrible people seem to drive these days! Geesh... Makes me wonder what this country is going to be like in five or ten years.
I am seriously thinking about moving to Australia. Hahaha!!

It's Never Goodbye

It's ALWAYS see you later..

Grandpa's funeral yesterday was VERY hard... There weren't too many people there, maybe about 15 to 20. I tried to stay out of dodge for the visitation because I didn't want to completely break down before the service. But once the service started, I was a mess. It is all kind of a blur after that. We ate a lunch thing at the church after the service and then went back to the house.. The family just sat around and talked for a while, but Alex and I had to leave at 5pm to get home because he had to work today and I have a wedding to shoot today and tomorrow. The drive home was hard, and then being home was hard; especially when I just wanted to be around family for as long as I could. I feel like crap and look like crap and I really just want to skip today and tomorrow and get on to Sunday...

Round Two

Started the second round of Clomid today. I feel ok, just tired and a little ornery and emotional.

Wedding, Baby, and a Funeral

My last post I talked about how we had a wedding in Green Bay. We walked a block down the road to the Packers' practice field and waited for them to get done practicing. Then we yelled for them to come over and the only person who came over was #52 Clay Matthews! Here is a picture that I got of our bride and groom with him.

It was a fun night, besides being in a ton of pain from all the cramps I had.

I finally picked up my prescription and will be starting it tomorrow for my next round. I am excited, but nervous. I just want this to work more than anything in the world... I wish I could get pregnant and STAY pregnant....

My grandpa's funeral is Thursday. I am going to be so emotional... I can already feel it. I have been in a daze since I found out. I am glad he is in a better place and didn't suffer, but I am so sad he is gone. It hasn't fully hit me yet... And it probably wont until that day or when we leave that night... And we have a wedding on Friday and Saturday. I am not looking forward to those at all. Wish I could get out of them (and that is NOT me. I LOVE weddings and shooting them, I am a photographer... But I think this week will be a bit much for me and I don't know if I should really be shooting a wedding right after my grandpa's funeral. Not my decision, but what do I know...). :-/

Next Cycle

AF showed yesterday while I was with my boss shooting a wedding in Green Bay. That sucked.... But my next cycle of Clomid is at the store and ready to pick up.

I also found out this morning that my grandpa passed away last night in his sleep... What a lovely weekend... :'-(

The Next Step

Well, I just talked with my OB again. Normally he doesn't like to go up in dosage amounts for Clomid, but I begged him to let me try the 100mg dose. He said he likes that I am ambitious. Haha... He also says that he is pretty confident that we will get pregnant soon and that we are doing the right things. He was bummed that I wasn't pregnant this round... You're not the only one Dr. Lee! :-( So I guess it is on to the next cycle... Just waiting for good ol' Aunt Flow to arrive....

I never thought that when we started TTC, that it would be this long before we have a baby. I know people think we are crazy, but this is what we want most in the world right now! I thought I would have a baby by now... I never thought I would not have a baby by 22. It really irks me that people I know who are younger than me, and not in very good relationships are having children, some have more than one!  I don't want to be an old mom! And at this rate, I will be 40 when my son/daughter will graduate high school! :-( This majorly sucks.... I thought I would be lucky and get pregnant on the first cycle of Clomid, just like my mom did. I guess my body does hate me.

:(

Negative on the blood work... WTH....

Blood Test

I called to talk to my OB today and see what he thought of my symptoms. He ended up calling in a blood test for me and I may have the results of it back tonight. If not tonight, then I will find out tomorrow.

I just want to know!!!!

In a Fog

I feel like I am in a fog... I am super tired all day and I can't seem to "wake up."

I am currently on CD31 and 14DPO. Here is a list of my current symptoms (TMI warning):

-A good amount of CM (not every day, but more than normal..)
-Very sensitive nipples
-Sore breasts
-Tired ALL DAY!
-"Foggy" head.
-Minor AF-like cramps every now and then
-Stuffy nose (and draining down my throat)
-I seem to be pretty emotional lately too...

Alex swears my boobs are bigger and he thinks I am definitely pregnant. But the tests are saying otherwise. I took one this morning and a BFN.... I am waiting to test again until Friday...

Bittersweet Weekend

Friday Alex and I headed to Milwaukee to meet my fantastic friend Jen Bear! :-) We had a fun night talking until 2am. Then we went to the Milwaukee County Zoo on Saturday morning. Then after the zoo, Alex and I stopped at my grandparent's house on the way back home. We visited Grandpa for a long time and even brought him a piece of German Chocolate cake. Sadly, he has no appetite.. All he has been surviving on for two weeks is the ensure drink. :-( We ended up staying the night at their house and went back this morning to visit him again. We stayed for a little while before we had to head home. When we were leaving, he gave us the most forlorn, sad look, and it literally broke my heart :'-( I cried for a good half hour after we left. This is so hard... He is being transferred from the hospital to an assisted living home tomorrow where they are just going to keep him comfortable. He has an aggressive form of cancer that is not only on his liver, but also his pancreas, kidney and it is also in his lymph nodes. Even if they removed the large mass on his liver (which I think they should do anyway because it will release pressure on his guts and he will want to eat again), there is nothing they can do. The doctors say optimistically, he has a year, but I think that is pretty farfetched. I think more realistically, he has maybe three months.... It is very hard because Grandma is giving a ton of stuff away at the house. She keeps telling us if there is something we want, just ask, and we can most likely have it. I just feel so bad. This is going to be a long couple of weeks.....

Prayers ♥

Please pray for my grandpa. They found a soccer ball sized tumor on his liver and they believe it is liver cancer. He is VERY sick. Please just pray ♥

I Figured as Much

I knew I would get a BFN this morning, but I tested anyways. lol... I am on CD 24 and 7dpo. So it is super early anyways. But this isn't over until AF shows! There is still hope!! :)

Tomorrow?!

I am thinking of testing tomorrow. I just want to see. Hahaha!!! I have been having lots of CM lately (white, creamy) and it is KILLING me! If I am not pregnant, I am going to cry! Not to mention what the heck is going on with my body?!! LOL!

Eek!

I can test in a week! I don't know if I can wait that long! LOL! Someone lock up the HPTs!!!!

Irritated...

I would love to blame hormones from the Clomid, but I highly doubt that is actually the case. I am so sick of BFNs and stupid people. Especially stupid pregnant people. Uhg.... I don't even want to get started but I think if I don't write it out and let it go, I may explode... So, I'm sorry for my rants, previous and some to come.

CD 20

And I have a UTI.... Great... :-(

CD 19

Here are this morning's tests.

I took a test last night, and it was still positive as well, so I figured I didn't need to post it. I'm not sure what to think of these tests. I think they are definitely loosing the line a little bit, so going back to negative..... What do you guys think?

I honestly think the only think keeping me sane right now is my blogging! LOL! So I am very sorry for all the CD's and test strips, but it keeps me "calm" so to say, and not worrying about it all the time. I can just let all my worries go into my posts and I feel better :-) So thank you to everyone who is sticking it out with me through this process!!!

CD 18

Here is this morning's test.

Still positive! So I know it wasn't a fluke!! Yay!

CD 17 - Nightly News. (LOL!)

Sorry for the title, I just had to do it!! XD Here is the test I took about a half hour ago.

Still positive! Yay! We BDed again tonight and I am hoping that I ovulated from the right side!!!

CD 17- Afternoon Update

Took a test at noon and then took a First Response test a little bit ago!

Holy positive!!! The First Response test I just took ten minutes ago. There is NO doubt in my mind that it is a positive! The test line showed up even before the control line did!!! :D

CD 17

Test from this morning!

I think I officially have a positive!!!!! This is the darkest the lines have been and it looks the same as the control line. What do you guys think?!

CD 16

Here is this morning's test.

Here is the test from this evening (6:30pm)

I did have a TON of extra water today, but this is looking pretty sad.... I am going to take another one tonight and see if anything shows up. If not, then I know I ovulated yesterday.

ETD- Here is 9pm's test.

The two bottom ones are from 9pm's testing and the top one is from 6pm. I just put them in the same picture for comparison.

CD 15 Part Two

Here are the results of tonight's testing.

I figured because I have some First Response tests, that I would use one tonight to see if the little strips were working right or if they were messed up. But it seems that they are spot on with the First Response.  I think these are the darkest they have been so far.

Can't it Be August Yet?

Everywhere I look I see babies or pregnant women (some you can't even consider women, they are just girls...). I really feel like if this round of Clomid doesn't work, I am going to spin into a downward spiral of depression... I absolutely HATE that almost everyone I know can get pregnant whenever the fuck they want. They have no idea what it is like to have to wait and wait and wait, only to be disappointed month after month of not getting the BFP that you are looking for. I told myself not to get too physicked up about being on Clomid, but I can't help it! I am just really hoping that we will get our BFP and the pregnancy will stick and we will have a beautiful little miracle in April...

CD 15

I took another test this morning to see what it looks like.

I'm going to take another one tonight to see what it looks like..

CD 14

Well, I tested this morning and the line was like yesterday, only a little darker... Now it is getting lighter..?

I must have ovulated either last night or this morning or something...? I am confused..

CD 13

Getting darker!!! :)

CD 12

Still negative

CD 11

Negative OPK

CD 10

And so starts the baby dancing like crazy! Hahaha!

The Clomid Effect

I have always heard that when on Clomid, you become a royal bitch. I haven't had that at all. Actually, I feel like I have been more lovable. Let me explain...

I feel like I am deeper in love than normal, I want to cuddle more, and just be closer to Alex more. I have been very happy, and only been a royal pain in the rear when someone pisses me off. Then, and only then, I am VERY mad. So I guess as long as no one ticks me off, I am a happy go lucky person while on Clomid. :)

Baby Names

I was thinking a lot today about baby names. We have had our boy's name picked out for a LONG time (a couple years. haha!), but I thought of a different way to spell it, and I LOVE how it looks/sounds!

Jaxyn Robert-Lee Anderson

We have also had a girl's name picked out for a long time. I don't think I want to change this one :)

Carolina Ray (or Marie) Anderson

Both names have meanings behind them. Robert and Lee are middle names that have been passed down in Alex's family. I know they are common, but it is something we would like to keep going :) Alex's middle name is Lee, and his brother's and dad's middle name is Robert. Also, my dad's and brother's middle name is Lee. So that is kind of cool :)

With the girl's name, Carolina is where I am from and Ray is my dad's name. Marie is my mom's middle name, but I don't know if I want it in there or not. I might just do it Ray-Marie. I know the names are really long, but they mean the world to us.

Heard any good baby names lately? Please leave me a comment and share them! :-) Thank you for reading!

Great Day!

So this morning we were planning on being at my parent's house by 9am to help take siding off the house. Well we set the alarm, and when it went off, it was storming out, so we just shut the alarm off and went back to sleep. My parents call at 9, and I look outside and the weather is beautiful! I was completely surprised by how the weather changed so fast! Anyways, we went and helped with that, and then afterwards we went tubing down the river with them! It was so much fun just spending he time together. And after we got done tubing, we went to dinner at Great Wall (which is Alex and my favorite restaurant of all time. Haha!). So it was a gorgeous day full of family fun with my parents :)

Huh...

I guess I thought I would feel different somehow when taking the Clomid. I really haven't felt different at all yet. I take my second pill in about an hour. So we will see if I have any side effects today. I hope not! :)

The Day is Here!

I am starting Clomid today! I am beyond excited right now!!!!!

Is it Friday Yet?

"TGIF"- Worker 1
"No, SHIT!" -Worker 2
"What is wrong with you?!" -W1
"Sorry Honey, It's Thrusday." -W2

That is how I am feeling right now. Tomorrow can't come soon enough!!!!!

Love This....

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they sometimes are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be much better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Unknown

Woohoo!

AF has FINALLY arrived!! That means I get to start Clomid on Friday!! I can't wait!!

Happy 4th of July!

I think the 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays! It has such an amazing history behind it and plus, what other day do you get to play with fire and blow stuff up?! Well, that is the way Alex sees it anyway. Hahaha! I love watching fireworks and thinking about how our country has grown and developed over the centuries. I sometimes wonder what they would think if they saw us now. Cars, planes, electricity, phones, TV; you name it, they would probably be shocked! Not to mention the clothes we dress in now. Phahahaha!!!

Anyways! I hope everyone has a great family celebration and be safe tonight!

Yep...

I tested this morning with a pink dye test and it was a BFN. So yesterday's test line was definitely an evap line.

Still mad that AF has not showed.... Having some more cramps today like the last couple of days. So maybe that is a good sign that she will show today? *crosses fingers*

I just really don't want to get a blood pregnancy test on Wednesday when I HIGHLY doubt I am pregnant.

Test

One year ago today I got my BFP! I can't believe it has already been that long.

With everything going on, I decided to test this morning using a digital test kit thing. I can't get the reader to work right, so all I have is the test strip.

I HATE blue dye tests with a passion, and it is because you can get an evaporation line that makes it look positive. Here is my test:

I don't know if you can see it that well in the picture, but I can see it when I look at the test. This showed up within the 10 minute time frame. But I am thinking that it is just an evaporation line.. I will be testing again in two days just to be sure.

Edit- Here is the test now (4pm- six hours after originally taken)

Like I said before, it is much easier to see in person than the camera is showing. Still not sure if it is just an evaporation line or a very faint positive.

Awesome Movie!

Alex and I went to see the new Transformers tonight. It was freaking AWESOME! I can't wait until it comes out on DVD so we can buy it. Phahaha!!

I talked to my OB today and he told me that he really feels that I should get AF this weekend. He said that if I don't have it by Wednesday, that I need to take a blood pregnancy test. I bought some HPT's and I am going to take one in the morning... I also asked him about if I were pregnant, what the Provera would do to the baby (I read some articles stating that it caused birth defects). He said that all Provera is, is a synthetic progesterone and it would actually help if I was pregnant because you need high levels of it in early pregnancy. I had to take some last summer when I was pregnant, so that made me feel a little better. I don't know how I feel about everything right now. I am confused and frustrated.... I guess we will see what the test looks like in the morning. Or I may wait until Sunday to test... Not sure yet.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July!!! :)

Really...?!

Still waiting on AF.... My right *ahem* lady is a little sore, so I am hoping that is a good sign of AF coming soon. I was really hoping she would have showed up yesterday, but I guess today would be nice too :) Hahaha!

Marvelous Monday

I took my last Provera pill this morning. I can't wait to start Clomid!

I decided that I wanted to get a massage today too, to help relax a little after the long weekend. I had gotten a free gift certificate back in February, so I finally used it today. It was SOOO nice being able to relax and enjoy an amazing massage.

Long Weekend

For my photography internship/job we had two weddings this weekend. One on Friday and one today. Both were ten hours long each. So glad to be done and have tomorrow to relax and sleep!

Only two days left of Provera :) Monday will be the last pill and then hopefully I will get my period Wednesday or Thursday.

Four More Days

I have started the countdown to be done with the Provera and on to the Clomid! I am super excited!!!! Hoping beyond words that this will be our lucky break and we will have an amazing healthy pregnancy with a beautiful baby in nine to ten months!!!

Meds....

Well I spoke with my OB and he called in a prescription for Medroxyprogesterone (Provera). This is supposed to jump start my period for me. I have to take it for 7 days. My doctor's nurse told me that supposedly AF will arrive on the second day of taking it (I just took one a little bit ago), but from what I have read it wont be until after I finish taking the pills... I am kind of scared and nervous. We have been waiting for this for so long, so why am I feeling this way? I guess it is just the fact that everything is getting real now :-) I am very excited though!

Frustrated

Still no sign of AF... This is sooo annoying! I have never in my life wanted to get my period so badly until now! Maybe I will call Dr. Lee and see if there is anything he can suggest to help speed the process along...

Waiting, Waiting..

It seems like that is all I have been doing lately. I have never been this anxious to get my period... I took a HPT in the morning and it was negative. I am so aggravated that AF never comes on time. I would understand totally and be THRILLED if I was pregnant, but when I know I'm not, it is just plain frustrating to be late. Especially when this period may be the last one before we have a baby. I am putting a lot of hope and faith into this  round of Clomid. I know I shouldn't get my hopes too high, but with all the success stories I have read, and since my mom got pregnant with me on her first round of Clomid, it's hard to not get super excited!!

I got Clomid!

The doctor appointment went great! I was super nervous going into it, but I quickly relaxed when I met the OB. He is AWESOME!!! He was super funny and very personable. :-) We talked for a good hour and then he called in the prescription!!

I am so excited!! I can't wait for AF to arrive!!!!!!!

Weird. Haha!

All I can find myself doing right now is wishing AF would arrive!! Hahahahaha!!!! :D

I am kind of nervous about tomorrow... :-/ I have been looking forward to this day for so long.. It's just weird that the day is finally coming, and I don't know how exactly to react.. 

Excited Part III

I called the doctor office back on Friday (because impatient me had to know. hahaha!) and I spoke with the doctor's nurse. She said the the doctor thought I was a great candidate, however he couldn't prescribe Clomid to me (and I felt me heart sink at this point...). And then she continued on to say that he is sending me over to another doctor (and I thought, oh great, the run around again) who does more with infertility. But then she said, "And we have an appointment set up for you on Tuesday at 10:40am and he will be talking with you about Clomid and you can leave with the prescription." I asked what all the appointment would be and she said from the looks of it, just talking and that I wouldn't even need an exam. And that's when I FREAKED OUT!!!!! WOW! After all this time and I can just get it from a doctor without having to spend bookoo money at an infertility clinic! AHHHH!!! Now all I need is AF to arrive! I will have to take a pregnancy test at the doctor's office if I don't have it by Tuesday. Friday night we went to visit my parents and when I had a moment alone with my mom, I told he about it. She was like, "Oh, I got pregnant with you on Clomid." Whoa! Did not know this info! So we talked and she and my dad tried for a year for me before she got Clomid and it only took one round! And she has a tilted uterus! Holy crap! Everything makes sense now!!!!!! It is all falling into place and I understand EVERYTHING! :D I feel like I am floating on air!!! I just can't wait until Tuesday! EEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Time Passing

I can't believe it has been two years since I lost our first baby to an ectopic pregnancy. You will forever be in my heart baby girl <3

Excited Part II

Ok, so my friend wasn't able to get Clomid from her doctor because of other meds she is on, he just wont let her. HOWEVER, she gave me the number so I could talk with him :)

I called and left a message and he finally called me back and we talked for a good 30 minutes. He said he knows how Alex and I feel because his wife and him went through some of the same things. He understands how waiting sucks and all of that, which is a nice change from my other OB... lol. But he said he is going to look through my charts and let me know by tomorrow what he thinks the best plan of action is! He said hopefully he can just get me in for a quick check-up and send me home with Clomid!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

*runs around room screaming with excitement*

It feels so AMAZING to finally be getting somewhere with this! Instead of going in circles with miss priss OB ! Pshft! This guy seems so nice! YAY!!! Beyond ecstatic guys!!! :D

Excited Doesn't Even Describe It!

Ok, so I am on CD 25 and I can't wait to test on Thursday or Friday :) But if I am not pregnant, I am even kind of more excited!

One of my best friends has had Clomid before from her OB (she has endometriosis) and we were talking last night. She said her OB just calls it in for her when they want to try (after she comes in for a quick check-up), so she is going to talk to her doctor today and make an appointment and then hopefully he will just call in a prescription for her and she will pick it up so I can have it for my next cycle! AHH!!

When she told me this, I started to cry, happy tears of course. It has been what has been holding us back from conceiving and now finally we will have our chance and I am filled with so much joy and happiness it is UNREAL! I am hoping this is it, this will be the chance we need to conceive and carry a baby to full term! Maybe even twins :D I would be fine with that! You guys really have no idea... I am crying just typing this! After two and a half years of TTC, this may be the last stretch before we have a baby of our own!

Why...

I HATE this.... I get these feelings that come every now and then... The feeling that things are never going to be the way I want them to be. The desperate feeling that I'll never get to have a baby of my own when I hear yet again someone else is pregnant or just had a baby. I feel like I am being left behind! I have done everything right! Marriage first, then a house, and now a baby... Or not... Right now I feel like life isn't worth living if I can't be a mom. I want to experience everything!!! Let me be sick every day of my pregnancy! I wouldn't care because I know a beautiful little baby would be the end result of all the pain and sickness that I would endure. And it would all be worth it for that precious little being. I wish we could go through the infertility program, but that is out of the question right now. Everyone keeps telling me, "You and Alex will make great parents!" Well when the FUCK will that be?! I am so ANGRY at life and UPSET that I have had to go through everything that I have! I am so close to falling off the edge! Right now any little thing would push me over. I have been cheated out of two little ones, and I will be DAMNED if I am cheated out of another. I just want to scream out "Why me, why us?!" and demand an answer from someone! I am at a very low point and I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel... Two and a half years is way too long to have to wait; for me or for anyone... If I am not pregnant within the next two or three months, I don't know what I am going to do... All it would take is a $50 prescription for Clomid, but no. My fucking gay ass OB can't even do that for me. I HAVE to go through the infertility clinic, I HAVE to do all the stupid ultrasounds. I am SICK of being told I have to spend thousands of dollars for a prescription that is $50! Especially when I know damn well that if I were able to get it, I would get pregnant with no problem! And I am SICK of people telling me that it will happen when it is supposed to or when it is gods plan. Well guess what, I don't believe in god and if I leave it up to him, it will NEVER happen!!! I have been trying to tell myself that when the time is right, it will all fall into place, but I can't lie to myself anymore! I want a baby and I am not willing to wait anymore!!!!!


*ETA- Sorry for the rant :-/ I am just really upset at everything...

Finally!

After a week of loveliness, I don't have AF anymore! I am still debating on what my next move is going to be...  Whether I should wait a month and then go back on birth control or if I should go on it for another month and then skip a month. Just trying to figure out new ways of doing things.

In other news, life is going great! I actually tried "mama cloth" (cloth menstrual pads) and I LOVE them! As soon as I save up, I am going to buy some more and once I have a nice stash of them, I am NEVER going back to disposables! I am also starting a cloth diaper stash :) I have contemplated it for a LONG time and decided a couple months ago that I am going to do cloth diapering. After I did a little research, I bought a few from different companies because some women have said one company works best for their child, while another didn't. It is all depending on your child. So I figured instead of investing all in one company, I would buy ones from all different companies and whichever one works the best, I will buy more from that company :)

Dang... LOL

So skipping pills is definitely a no-no. It backfired on me :( Haha!

I skipped Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I took my pill again Thursday and yesterday morning. Well, yesterday afternoon I got my period... Oops!

So I am hoping it goes away tonight, otherwise I am going to have a LONG period once I start the sugar pills.

Thunderstorms!

I love thunder and lightning!! It's an amazing, almost mystifying part of mother nature. Most people take it for granted or complain about the rain, but I love to watch the lightning streak out across the sky and I love hearing the rumble of the thunder; sometimes so low that it gives me the shivers!

Anywho... I have decided I am going to skip the pill today, tomorrow and maybe Wednesday in hopes of purposely "accidentally" getting pregnant! I know lots of people who say they missed a pill or two and got knocked up. Well I want to test that! Hahaha!! :)

Bitter Sweet

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers. This includes women who have given up their baby for adoption and also women who have carried a child, but lost them due to miscarriage, preterm labor, or still born.

For me, Mother's Day is really hard... I should have celebrated two Mother's Days now... A lot of people don't want to consider those of us who have carried babies, but do not have them with us now, mothers. A friend told me last year that she still considered me a mother, and she was the only person to tell me Happy Mother's Day. I thank her SOO much for that!! It gave me hope, and made me feel a lot better. Alex told me that he still considers me a mother and wants to get me a present and take me to dinner. I told him to wait until I get to celebrate happily, and not have to morn my two little angel babies ♥


I hope that next year I will actually be a mother who carries her child in her arms for Mother's Day.

Forgot How This Works..

I haven't been on birth control for such a long time that I forgot about the loss of sex drive. Kind of sad really... Plus I am more moody/emotional than normal. And my nipples hurt! What the heck!! Good thing this is only temporary, otherwise I think I may loose my mind.

Our good friend Kyle is staying with us for a few weeks. His girlfriend's dad is in from out of town and they didn't want it to be awkward with him staying with her and her dad knowing about it. So he is here with two of his dogs, Jasmine and Iorek (pronounced yer-ick). They have had fun playing with our doggies today.

But that is all for now. Thank you for reading! :-)

I Love My Country!

Osama Bin Laden is finally dead!

I love President Obama!! He has been able to do things that Bush never could! In two years Obama has been able to accomplish things that Bush couldn't do in eight years!!!

Keep on leading our country strong Mr. President!!

Giveaway!

Crawlmomma is having an amazing giveaway!!!

http://crawlmomma.blogspot.com/2011/04/envibum-giveaway-open_27.html

Back on BC

I took the first pill today. It is really bitter sweet... I want to be pregnant so badly, but I also think this may help me get pregnant. I guess I have waited this long, a few more months isn't going to hurt anything.

I hope everyone's week is going great! :)

Test Results

All STD test results are negative :)

Just wanted to give that little update.

Easter Weekend

Last night we finally got the floor tiled! And this morning Eric (my step-dad) came back over to help grout it. It is almost done! I am so excited! All there is left is to put the baseboards on and then fix the paint.

Then after the grout was done we went down to my parent's house for Easter. We had a ton of fun playing with my niece and nephew. Then on the way home we decided to stop at our friends' Kyle and Katie's house. They were burning a bunch of stuff they didn't want anymore and some of it was clothes that were way too small (and in too bad of shape to donate). Alex got a funny idea to try them on, and then Kyle did too! We had a lot of laughs and it was kind of nice to just let go and have an unexpectedly fun night. After the fire went out we went inside and watched the movie Surrogates. It's an awesome movie!!

I made an appointment next week to get birth control from Planned Parenthood. And it will be perfect time to start it because I will be just getting done with my period. Hopefully it will help keep me regulated and maybe a better chance of getting pregnant when I am done with it...

But I am off to bed. Its pretty late. Tomorrow we are going to Alex's grandparents (both sides) for Easter. I am excited, but I just don't feel like me because of my period. Uhg... Hahaha. Oh well.

Thanks for reading!

Well, Nice to See You Too

Guess what?! Three weeks late today and guess who decides to wake me up at 3am with horrible cramps?! Good ol' AF! What a great house guest that I have :-P Hahaha!

Sigh of Relief

I have been tested for STD's before, but not since I have been with Alex (5 years). I decided that since Planned Parenthood was doing free testing in April, that I might as well go (and I drug Alex along so he could get tested too.) Well I am glad to say that we are both HIV negative, they gave me a pee pregnancy test, which was also negative, and we will find out the other test results in a week :)

In other news, I am thinking about going on the Pill for three months. Just to try and regulate my period and then hopefully get pregnant right after I come off of it. Plus that will save me the agony of having morning sickness this summer as I am shooting weddings! That would not be fun!!!! "You may kiss the bride." Wait! Hold that pose until after I barf!!! Hahaha!! I guess it is how the saying goes, if you can't laugh at yourself, then what can you laugh at?

Thanks for reading!

TGIF

I tested this morning and another BFN. But at least it's Friday!!! :)

Hmmm...

Well I took a test last night and this morning. Both were negative. I think I am going to test once a week. So if I don't have my period by next Saturday, I will test again. Hopefully it wont be extremely late again. Its sad to think that in two months, I found out I was pregnant for the first time in 2009 and I got pregnant for the second time in 2010. Maybe I will get lucky this year and get pregnant around the same time again, but this one will last! :)

More of the Waiting Game

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. The control line didn't show up all the way, so I think the test was junk... But I am refusing to buy more. Hahaha!!! Plus it has been such great weather the past few days that I am being distracted by being outside anyways :) I will update more when I figure things out.

Thank you for reading!

Happy Three Year Wedding Anniversary!

Three years ago today I married my soul mate, my rock, someone I can tell anything to, the man of my dreams, my best friend and lover. Happy Anniversary Alex!!! I can't wait to see what this next year brings us!

 

I love you more than anything in the world! I can't wait to share more adventures with you! From South Carolina, to Canada, to SKY DIVING (which was totally your idea and was really scary!), and all the little road trips and late nights in between. I want to experience life with you! You have made my life so much more alive and exciting! Thank you for everything you have done for me and all the things that are sure to come! I love you, more than you know!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

April Finally

I am so happy that spring is so close! Mother nature's April fool's joke was that we got 2 inches of snow last night. Uhg! Just want winter to go away already.

I took a test this morning, knowing that if I am pregnant, it wouldn't show up yet. And I was right. A BFN was there when the 3 minutes were up. I was hoping that I would have been able to play the biggest "April Fool's Joke" on friends by announcing it and them saying, "Oh yeah, haha, April Fools." And me being able to say that it was true. Oh well. I wont test again until Tuesday if I don't have AF. Maybe I will get the best three year anniversary present that I could ever receive! :)

Thanks for reading!

Falling In Love Again

With photography that is!! (But I still love my hubby too ;) hahaha!!) Chicago was AMAZING! I learned so much and I can't wait to put the knowledge to the test! Here are my favorite pictures from the workshop:

It was really a great time! I can't believe how much we learned and the amazing pictures we were able to produce there! Now that we are back home, we are going to be able to produce amazing pictures here as well!!

In other news, AF is due Friday, April Fool's Day. I bet you anything that she will show up on time to fool me. Haha! Ah well.. We shall see :)

Thanks for reading!!

Happy 23rd Birthday!

I want to wish my amazing husband a Happy Birthday!

I love you Alex Lee!!!!!!

Chicago!

I can't wait! I will be leaving Tuesday morning for Chicago! It's going to be an amazing experience and I am so grateful that I am able to go!

As for other things, I am on CD 17. I haven't even thought about getting pregnant since I took the last OPK test (well, until now). We have just been busy and hanging out with friends and just having fun. I am hoping that just trying to ignore everything will help. And I am not going to test when my period is only a day late. Screw it! I am going to not test until at least a week or two late :) Hope that will help with my obsessiveness. Haha!

[[Four Days]]

I can't wait until Tuesday! I will be heading to Chicago for a photography workshop! Its a very expensive workshop ($1300 per person), but my amazing boss is covering everything for me!

On a side note, I tested again Wednesday night and although the test was not positive, it was still pretty dark. I spoke with my doctor about it and she said it could have been a number of things; like a bad kit, I had a surge and didn't ovulate, I had a surge but didn't actually ovulate until the second surge, or I ovulated twice. Who knows! I hate how complex this system is...

Ovulation Tests

I tested last night and tonight and have gotten two positive ovulation tests... Today is CD13. I am not sure what to think because last month I had the one positive and that was that. Not this time around I had a positive the first cycle day I tested and today.

This was the one from tonight, but last night's looked the same. Any ideas or suggestions...?

Phelix Vincent

Here he is!! :)

New Nephew

I just got a text from my brother letting me know that they are heading to the hospital to have my little nephew! I want to know what they are naming him but they have kept it a secret! They already have Layla Madison and Brycen Charles. If they end up stealing one of the names Alex and I have picked out I am going to cry. Haha...

Very Sad Day

I would have been due today. It sucks.

:(

Dinner with Family

My bosses got amazing news today!! They have been chosen for adoption! The baby is due the end of June and they will be meeting with the birthmom Friday morning and they will get to find out what she is having! I am so excited for them!!!
Tonight after my internship Alex and I went to visit my parents. It was really nice to just sit and have dinner (which they made spaghetti and meat balls which was amazing!) and then watch tv. It helped to take our minds off of recent things.

R.I.P. Aaron Robert Anderson ♥

Six years ago today Alex's brother was killed in a car accident.

Ever since Alex and I started dating (eight months after the accident), I have wished that I had the opportunity to know his brother. All the stories that his family tell and all of their fun memories. I always wonder if he would have liked me (Alex says he would have), or what life would be like today if he was still around. Would we have bought this house? Would he come to visit a lot? Would we do game nights together? I have never experienced this feeling of longing that will never be fulfilled. Sometimes I have to catch myself because I will just randomly think that Alex is an only child. I know that this will be something that I will have to eventually get used to because there is no time machine.

Hopefully things will get better and Alex and I will be able to talk about him, and I will be able to say that I knew him through Alex ♥

Wonderful Weekend

Alex and I have had two date nights in a row :) Last night we went out to dinner at Applebee's and then went and saw the new movie Rango. Tonight we went out out to dinner at our favorite spot, Great Wall, and then went to see Just Go With It. After that we went out and had a drink at the Livery (aka- Cowtown Saloon) downtown. And we didn't feel like going home so we drove around town and street raced this one guy. It was so funny! And we won :) Feels good to have fun like we used to in high school.

I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He is sensitive, caring, and a hopeless romantic. I am very blessed to have him in my life. He has helped me through some rough times and without him, I don't know where I would be!!!

Ha!

A friend of mine made my day today! She pointed out to me that if Scott Walker passes the Budget Bill (which he will if the stupid democrats come back!) then my bitchy little friend (from yesterday's episode), will NOT be getting any money from the government! The Bill cuts all of that out! HELL YES!!!! My taxes wont be supporting her ass any time soon! I knew I was totally for this Bill :) So it better get passed SOOOONNN!!!

Sorry, just had to make my point ;)

Really? It Had to be Today...

Great. To make me feel even worse, AF decided to show up this morning. Why not?! I already feel like shit because apparently "I can't get pregnant."

Sorry guys... I am a little under the weather right now, but I will hopefully be better in a few days. Thank you for putting up with my wild emotions.

Just... Wow..

I will start with a little back story:

My friend and I have known each other for eight years. She was one of my bridesmaids and we have always been close. I know she didn't always make very good choices, but I always hoped she would change. Before she started dating hubby's cousin, her longest relationship was a month. And then she would always end up cheating and they would break up and she would go sleep around with who ever she could. Then she was kicked out of her house in October, so Alex and I decided she could live with us, but only if she made some positive changes in her life. She told me she wanted to change and she didn't want to be sleeping around with guys. I called her mom to figure out why she was kicked out and it was because she was treating her mom like trash. So I guess it was only a matter of time until the vicious cycle came around to us...

She was basically engaged (I say that because he was planning on asking her to marry him this month) to my husband's cousin (they had started dating in June 2010. They had wanted to date each other for almost two years, but it always seemed that one or the other had a boyfriend/girlfriend so it didn't work out until this past year.). She cheated on him the end of January; then the begining of February dumped him because "she wasn't ready to grow up." Two days later, she was with the other guy (whom she had cheated with) and moved out of our house into his mom's (while he lived with foster parents in another town). Then after she moved out (ok, well I kicked her ass out), she tried telling me that her and Alex "did stuff." I KNOW that he would NEVER cheat on me; especially with her (I know this because he is extremely racist and she is mexican. NO OFFENSE to anyone, but that's just how my husband is.). So its been a whole messed up thing and we haven't talked in a month. I talked with her mom a few times. and she had talked to my friend's new boyfriend's foster mom. I guess the foster mom over heard him talking with my friend saying he was going to drop out of school when he turned eighteen and he was telling her that if she got pregnant, the government would give her more money. Great...

Well my so called "friend" was a bitch to me today... She texted me this morning to tell me she was pregnant (I guess I should have known it was coming). I asked her what she was going to do and she said she was going to keep it. Ok, fine, whatever. So I stated that neither of them had jobs, vehicles, or any way of being able to care for a baby. Not to mention that from birth to eighteen years will cost about $250k. And she said I didn't have to be a bitch about it. I said that I was just giving her facts. She then preceded to tell me that if I didn't have anything positive to say, then don't say anything at all. I told her life isn't all positive, children are hard and will be life changing, they are a FOREVER choice. She then told me "at least I can get pregnant." Wow... BOMBSHELL... My heart skipped a beat, and I sunk to a new low. How could a "friend" that I have known for eight years; a "friend" who was a bride's maid; someone who I trusted and loved like my sister, say something like that to me...?

Apparently she got the Depo shot on February 8th (learning this from her mother. Her sister had actually taken her to Planned Parenthood to get it). So I don't know how exactly this happened. I am just hurt beyond words. I have decided to give up on her. I feel sorry for the kid because it is going to be raised up in a shitty home. She is going to be just like her dead beat boyfriend's mom; living off the government. She tried to get pregnant on purpose just so she could get more money from the government. Its ridiculous... And so god damn FRUSTRATING!

Alex's cousin had done so much for her too! His mom paid for her to go get her compass test so she could go to college. And he was going to buy her a car when her car broke down really bad one month. Then she throws it all away for some deadbeat who dropped out of school and they are living with his MOM (who doesn't do anything [also lives off the government and she doesn't even have a CAR!!] and has had several children taken away from her.). 

And for her to text me out of the blue and tell me she is pregnant and then be a total bitch to me was completely uncalled for.

I need a good stiff drink. But I can't because AF still isn't here and I don't know if I am pregnant or not. Dang...

Just as I Figured

Negative... Bummer...

The good news is, I have no more tests in the house so I wont be temped to test anymore.

I am Testing!

Alex told me I "have a glow." A few days ago I got nauseous for no reason. And this evening I am smelling things that no one else is...

So I am testing in the morning! I know I am probably getting my hopes up, but I can't wait like I wanted to!

Movie Day

Alex and I have been watching movies all day today. Well... Except for a little while where we paused one and did some extra curricular activities ;) Hahaha!! I was hoping if my period is on its way, doing the deed would help bring it along sooner. I hate being late. I know its only CD32, but still.... I don't want to be late and be way out in left field for my next cycle... Uhg... I am holding back from testing until next week, even though I REALLY want to test tomorrow or Tuesday. Hahaha!!
Anyways, I guess that's all for now.

Thanks for reading!

Cold and Wet, but Amazing!

I just had to post about the wedding I shot today with Tricia (my boss). It was AMAZINGLY beautiful and it was at the most perfect places in town. Plus the snow that we were getting made the pictures awesome!! The only bad part about the snow was that it got in our shoes and we luckily got ahead of schedule and were able to stop at the Dollar General and buy new socks! Hahahaha!!

Anyways... No sign of AF yet. I am debating on testing or waiting another week. We will see I guess...

Thanks for reading!